Reflections from the Swamp
Are you one of those people who wore a mask and got your shots? Well, thank you! Covid has become manageable enough to inspire Trudeau and the boys and girls on The Hill to let my bride travel to Nova Scotia without all of those tests you used to have to take. I hate tests! I’ve flunked most of the exams in school and sure as hell don’t want to fail the Covid test.
As soon as my bride left the swamp, the Freedom Convoy came to Corkery! The Men with Jars drove over to my place in a convoy of tractors and pickup trucks. With freedom flags hanging all over the place and big signs screaming, “We love Freedom!”
I’ve been watching the news and knew what to get. We got a bouncing castle and a hot tub. None of us have hot tubs, but if you line the back of the pickup truck with plastic and run a hose to the hot water, you can create a fabulous heated pool and drive around the neighbourhood! To hell with swimming pool permits!
The bouncing castle was a great success, sort of. Eight overweight guys with bad knees and hips rolled into each other and cracked a few skulls. This is freedom! I got some excellent airtime before George popped the balloon with those sharp little ice guards he puts on his boots to keep from slipping. John, the anal guy in the group, tried to organize the bouncing castle by limiting the number of guys jumping and assigning quadrants. George wouldn’t cooperate and kept jumping up and down, yelling” Freedom” until he popped the floor of the castle.
We broke every rule in the book! First, we all bought all the foods our brides have banned in our homes. I looked for bread with extra gluten. I forgot how good it tastes. What is gluten anyway? Why are so many people picking on gluten when it makes bread taste good? Anti-glutenites listen to too many conspiracy theories. Murray brought about 50 pounds of bacon because his bride says he can’t cook it at home. “It stinks too much!” she says. We’re going to stink the whole house out! We love the stink of bacon. We’re going to eat everything with bacon. Bacon in our porridge, bacon in our coffee, bacon wrapped in bacon and bacon ice cream.
After my bride sent me out for potatoes and fruits last week, she banned me from shopping. I came home with potato chips and Fruit Loops. What’s the big deal? John bought whole milk, homo milk, he calls it, because his bride makes him drink skim. He wants the real stuff. He hates diluting his drinks.
We’re all wearing our boots in the house. None of us remember what it’s like. We’re putting our feet up on the coffee table. I know, shocking stuff, but we’re free! We’re going to leave the seat up on the toilet and turn the thermostat up to 70, so we don’t have to wear our winter coats in the house to stay warm. The only rule was “No peeing in the house” Some of the guys had terrible aim, so we went outside and decorated the snowbanks with one-eyed yellow monsters.
Some of the guys brought their tractors and pickup trucks.; we plugged up the driveway something fierce. Nobody needs to come up the driveway, but if they did, they’d be blockaded out! It just means that none of us can escape this place. Who wants to evade being free! We tooted our horns to let everyone know we were free. No one can hear us except the chickadees and squirrels. That will teach them to move into the neighbourhood!
We’re all going to fix lawnmowers, chainsaws, and whipper snippers right on the kitchen table. No need to freeze our buns off in the garage; we’re free! A snowball fight in the house is planned for this afternoon. I never had a snowball fight in the place before. Why not? We’re exercising freedom without responsibility. Who’s going to stop us.
After the phone call from Nova Scotia, I sat the guys down for a brief meeting. It was hard to see them all between the pizza boxes, slabs of bacon, and cartons of whole milk. I said, guys, I’ve got some bad news. My bride is coming home early; her sister got Covid. My bride might have to invoke The Emergency Act if she finds any of you occupying her house. This news caught their attention, although some pretended to ignore it.
I said, This Act has never been used by her before, but she promises not to bring in the army and only use the Act in a specific geographical area. That particular specific area would be our house. She’ll be coming with a transport truck full of brides that are very familiar to you all. If we don’t get this place cleaned up before my bride comes home, we might have to tell you how we really feel about that joke you’ve told us 37 times before.
I might have to tell the cops that you have been seen speeding at 90km an hour in an 80 km per hour zone. I’ll squeal on those of you missing a tail light or who are driving with windshield wipers that hardly clean the window.
Furthermore, your brides will be informed about your behaviour while visiting here, including not taking off your boots and forgetting to water the plants. When she invokes the Act, the time will be now to go home. Bring your bacon and whole milk with you. We’ve got to completely restore this place to its original condition and get all of your equipment out of the driveway, or we’ll lose privileges, including watching Saturday afternoon wrestling
You know, not thinking about our brides just ain’t right. Do the right thing and go home.