Jacob Berkowitz
I really wanted to be a good dad. And when I became a father in 1998, my guiding mantra was “I’m not going to be like my dad.”
I’d grown-up in a home with divorce, attempted suicide, domestic violence and most of all a lack of connection. No-one talked about feelings. My dad was terrified of intimacy. I didn’t understand this as a kid. I only knew that I was both afraid of him and more than anything wanted to connect with him.
Trying to avoid his way of being, it turns out, was a shout-out to the universe to bring-on what in Greek tragic theatre is termed pathei mathos, learning through suffering.
Because I carried in my childhood self all the ways that I’d adopted to survive and numb the deep pain I felt: disassociating; escaping into intellectual topics; compulsive porn use when I was scared, sad or overwhelmed.
The result was that gradually over the years, I did find myself similar to my dad (who didn’t want to be like his dad)—getting angry on family holidays for no (apparent) reason; emotionally frozen at the dinner table; unable to bridge the agonizing gap between what I wanted in family and my lived reality.
Initially when I did get support, it was mostly from women, foremost my wife Rosemary, then a therapist in Perth. I didn’t fully trust other men with my inner life, but most of all I didn’t trust myself.
I’d always been aware of a voice inside me that pushed me to something more, to a greater sense of meaning and belonging, but I danced around its edges. Our son’s near fatal scooter accident four years ago changed this, broke something open in me, made me see what life is, that it ends, what I can and can’t control, the raging power of my love for my family.
I was ready for it. And the experience galvanized years of men’s work, dreamwork and recovery, of being with men and women in communities that honor and protect honest sharing, and I began to find deep transformation.
This experience, combined with my training as a life coach and teacher, has guided my creation of the inaugural Vibrant Father workshop in Almonte, starting October 13th. It’s a distinctive, highly interactive 8-week small group program for dads of all ages and stages. It’s focused on each participant’s development as a man so he can be more present and grounded with himself and his family.
Vibrant Father is developed around three core principles:
It’s preventative. This is the program I would have loved to have as a younger father. Part of the psychological shift of being a dad is that we’re called to address our undeveloped and wounded areas from childhood so that we transform them rather than pass this on to our kids. I know parents are crazy busy, but by slowing down and getting real over eight sessions I believe participants will avoid some of the negative behaviours, familial blowouts, and subsequent self-soothing (i.e., hangovers, shame from some behavior…) that really consume time. It’s about making the choice to devote a little time to start a process with lifelong benefits.
It’s positive personal growth. A great gift of fatherhood is that it introduces you to your deeper self. In the emotional pressure cooker of parenting and family you discover who you really are, how you behave, what you feel, the wounds you carry. Vibrant Father is very much about getting to know yourself so you can choose how you want to be rather than be driven by unconscious stories. This will make men stronger in all areas of life, from relationships to work.
Men in community. It’s where men find the courage to be vulnerably assertive, to sit with the discomfort of speaking what’s true in a confidential circle of peers. It breaks the paralyzing illusion that you’re the only one experiencing something. It builds compassionate witnessing, the ability to solidly hold space for another person’s suffering. These are all experiences that create more grounded, calm fathers.
I’m looking for up to eight dads in the Almonte area ready to take on the Vibrant Father adventure together.
Info. sessions in late September, starts Oct. 13. https://jacobberkowitzcoaching.com/vibrant-father-workshop/
