Reflections from the Swamp
Dear Reader
I hope you have dug yourselves out from all the snow flung from the heavens during the past two snowstorms. My old tractor, Mahatma, couldn’t remove the three-foot-high drifts that blew across the driveway. A farming neighbour managed to poke a path to the house. Nature’s sentence of three days of solitary confinement in the swamp reminds my bride and me that the world can spin without us.
We have yet to travel to Almonte to see if the town still exists or is covered in snow like the ancient city of Pompei covered in ash after the eruption of Mt. Vesuvius. Perhaps you have been frozen in time. I imagine digging out an Almontonian, still clutching a box of empties, frozen in front of the beer store, motivating me to dig for others nearby who may be carrying full bottles. I’m an opportunist who believes Paleontology is underrated.
In other news, the Canada Geese in the US are experiencing the first pangs of restlessness. The usual edginess to take flight and come back to the Great White North has intensified due to the recent tariffs and expulsion of nondocumented immigrants.
It seems that the geese aren’t sure if they are undocumented migrants or if the Canadian Government is considering import tariffs on Canadian Geese. The geese insisted that I be invited to Florida to resolve the issue on their behalf.
As the Corkery Governor of the Goose Lottery and the only local human fluent in Goosleaze, the feds appointed me to bring the issue of trade and migration in Canadian Geese to the Grand Poobah at Mar-a-Lago, Florida.
The Grand Poobah had proposed rounding up the geese, placing them on military aircraft, and dumping them in Canada. I notified him (through official channels, Fox News) that he could save a lot of money by letting me talk to the geese and convince them to fly to Canada at their own expense using their wings. The Grand Poobah thought I was a genius and invited me to negotiate a deal in Florida.
The Poobah mused that it was difficult to determine the sex of geese; to him, they all looked alike. I speculated that because hunters shot many geese while en route to the US, geese have adapted to change their sex, which has enabled them to balance their gender numbers. As a result, many geese are transgender, which helps them to balance their social lives. The Poobah was horrified and immediately wrote another edict banning transgender geese from federal lands, golf courses and National Parks.
I was humiliated by not being invited to stay at Mar-a-Lago despite the 125 bedrooms available; nevertheless, as a card-carrying member of Swamp Dwellers of America, I was asked to remain with the prominent Robertson family related to Duck Dynasty. I enjoyed alligator soup and possum pie, as well as some tips on how to deal with the Grand Poobah and make goose liverwurst.
The Grand Poobah didn’t invite the geese to attend the meeting at his golf course in Mar-a-Lago and blamed the geese for desecrating and defecating on his golf courses throughout the country. He insisted that Canada erect a mile-high net along the border to protect the US from illegal migrant geese.
The geese were miffed by being excluded from the talks and banded together with other migratory birds, such as ducks, herons, and robins, and they refused to be bound by any decisions made by the Grand Poobah and me. They agreed with the Poobah that the border was an arbitrary line easily crossed by “illegal” migrating birds. The geese proposed that Canada annex the US, erase the border, and ban geese hunting.
My readers know that the first goose to land on Corkery Pond marks the official beginning of spring. The geese are integral to bringing spring to Canada, which would remain a frozen wasteland without them.
The geese are the “Harolds of Spring” when their trumpeting call wakes the trees and meadows, stirs the earth and awakens the frogs. Their call brings hope and joy to all life frozen for so long.
I promise to do my best to resolve the goose issues for you and the geese. Undoubtedly, you will read or see my meeting with The Grand Poobah in the news.
Soon, I’ll post details of The Millstone’s Goose Lottery and how you can bring spring to Mississippi Mills and Corkery. The lottery will determine who the prophets and visionaries among us are.
We’re in these uncertain times together. Keep your snow shovel handy.
Yours til the geese start flying east
Richard van Duyvendyk
Corkery Feb.19th/2025
