By Ruth DuBois, BScN, MA (Counselling)
While all around us there are signs of the coming holiday season from decorations and merchandise in stores and craft shows, to Christmas carols in the malls, to parties and recitals, and for some, planned trips to other parts of the world. It might even seem that we are mandated to be happy and cheerful, full of anticipation and excitement. But for many, holiday traditions are eclipsed by feelings of sadness and loss, especially when loved ones are missing due to enforced distance, illness, or death. And sometimes it is difficult to know how to get through the holidays experiencing emotions that seem out of sync with the season. The joy and cheer of others can amplify the loneliness of loss.
For many, caregivers and care receivers alike, the heartache may begin before the death of a loved one. A progressive illness in its later stage and changes in vitality may signify that the upcoming holiday is possibly the last one with that family member or dear friend physically present. The anticipation of loss can be very painful at a time when any expression of sorrow becomes the ‘elephant in the room’, something that everyone wants to avoid discussing. Or in other cases, the reality of impending death may inspire special acknowledgement of traditions, and expression of feelings for one another perhaps not usually spoken.
Whether the grief is anticipatory or the result of a significant loss in the more recent past, when grief is punctuated by the joy and good cheer of others, it can prompt all sorts of mixed emotions. Memories of past celebrations may haunt or comfort you, and old traditions may honour the person you lost, yet sap what little energy you have. Just as laughter suddenly erupts, tears may flow at the most inconvenient times and places.
How can you ease the tension of your grief at holiday times? While there is no one way to mourn, there is no one way to approach the holidays. Those who have lived the challenges of grief have shared what has helped to ease their own tensions at holiday times. Some of their ideas include the following:
Set boundaries on how you want to mark the holiday. Weave flexibility into any planned celebrations, including reserving the right to change your mind last minute, or not to attend at all.
Honour old traditions in memory of the loved person; or create entirely new traditions.
Take special care of yourself. Plan a special treat, but be cautious about using alcohol to dull the pain.
If you feel you want to share with others, giving a charitable gift or time to a meaningful cause may help to memorialize the person, or serve to temporarily distract from painful emotions.
Acknowledge your feelings whatever they may be–happy, sad, angry, relief, peace—emotions often coexist and it can feel very confusing. Laugh if you want to, cry if you need to. The tears of sorrow are uniquely healing.
Reach out to someone who understands. Talk therapy with a good listener, a counsellor, or a pastor can help you to find some sense of peace. If being more solitary is your nature, you may find journalling, writing poems or a memoir more calming.
Every person’s grief journey is unique, and so too, mourning reflects one’s individuality. Plan to get through the holidays in any way that seems right for you using some of the ideas above, or by creating your own celebration of the relationship that has meant so much to you. And remember, Home Hospice North Lanark is here to help you! For more information about grief and bereavement, find us at www.hhnl.ca, or call 613-406-7020 or 343-262-0902, or email info@hhnl.ca.
