Never done this before but under the extreme circumstances, thought it worth a try.


Keying in ‘Your Independent Grocer Online Shopping’ seemed to place me right at Patrice’s, as if they already knew where I live. Maybe they do or maybe it was an accident. Maybe it wasn’t Patrice’s at all as the photo panoply of food in high-contrast colours often seemed surreal and certainly the person doing the posting was inept on a keyboard if the myriad spelling mistakes were an indication.

In retrospect, I believe that I probably stumbled upon a bogus site, the first clue of which was the way in which there were no separate categories. Everything was randomly arranged, so that the stuffed toy, a Tie Dyed Woolly Sheep Blush, was in there with the Vileda Twist Mop and the Exact Quit Patch which I suppose is a smoking cessation device but it was left to your imagination.

Still, embracing a willing suspension of disbelief, I gleefully exposed myself to an hour’s worth of amazing choices, and thinking that I was set to go, chose two bags of the Pirate’s Booty Aged Cheddar Puffs and figured that because all that salt might cause chapped lips, I checked-off several tubes of Burt’s Bees Lip Shimmer, one in Rhubarb and another in Peony.

I was heartened to find that Ben and Jerry’s, Cherry Garcia, was available. If you have to ask what this is, you are clearly not a Dead Head. I had to order two of these, hoping that it wouldn’t be soup when I picked up my order.

Further along, I noted that the Dish Scrunges were on the same page as Garnier’s Smokey Sapphire hair dye and the No Name Seasons Stuffing Mix, one of the cheapest items available at 99 cents. I checked the Smokey Sapphire thinking that now, in the isolation of my own home, is time to experiment with a two-toned ombre look.

Then came a screen which included Chef Boyardee Beefaroni Bowl, four checks there, pasta, doesn’t spoil, and broccoli. No check marks; you had to buy two at once which would have lasted me to Christmas because who can eat that much cruciferous of anything.

The final items I came across, Peach Party, a bottle of liquid of undisclosed use,  K-Y Personal Lubricant and Eat Nakd (sic) Raw Pure Cocoa Delight inspired wink-wink, nudge-nudge but no check marks.

Just as well, I’d neglected to create an account so online grocery shopping turned out to be a total non-starter, at least, for today. I shall recreate my order tomorrow, treating myself to extra Pirate’s Booty snacks.

Shannon Lee Mannion