Reflections from the Swamp
Richard van Duyvendyk
Dear Reader,
As most of you know, I am not very good at politics. In fact, I recently tried taking a break from social media—an effective way to insulate myself from today’s political realities. Sometimes we need to clear our minds and focus on the important things in life, like family and our spiritual and mental well-being.
However, I started feeling like the proverbial ostrich with my head in the sand. At some point, the ostrich has to take its head out, examine the terrain, choose fight or flight, and breathe.
Canada has chosen to fight.
Recently, the president to our south renamed Lake Ontario. Via Executive Order, he declared it “Lake America.” Apparently, he thinks this will punish Ontarians and confuse us when we look at maps. I am honestly surprised he didn’t just call it Lake Trump. He has also shown videos of Canada Geese wearing Trump haircuts and carrying rifles. These are called Donald Ducks. He has already slapped his name on dozens of buildings, reportedly wants his name on the currency, and seems far more interested in building Trump ballrooms and Arches de Trump than in ending wars or maintaining positive relationships with allies like Canada.
After the USA levied additional tariffs of $28 billion on Canadian goods, I felt it was time to convene an emergency summit. I met with some of Almonte’s Elders—the local brain trust of Old Retired Guys—at Tim Hortons. Our agenda: the tariffs, the renaming of Lake Ontario, and the dismal prospects of the Ottawa Redblacks. At Delmer’s request, I will decline to name the specific participants of this Timmy’s Forum, mostly to avoid self-incrimination and lawsuits. I respect Delmer, so that I will preserve anonymity. I just realized that I used Delmer’s name in vain. Please disregard the faux pas.
Many of the Almonte Elders are prone to exaggeration, intense opinions, and highly divergent thinking. Our views often conflict with those of our brides, prevailing societal norms, and occasionally, sanity. In short, we discussed a potpourri of topics and arrived at one astute conclusion: Donald Trump loves things named after himself.
The crux of our new geopolitical theory is simple. If we name something in every single Canadian town after him, he will cancel the tariffs, drop his rhetoric about Canada becoming the 51st state, and usher us all into a “Kumbaya” world where we can dance to Y.M.C.A. in peace, love, and goodwill. As I said, some of our opinions may be slightly delusional.
But it got us thinking: what does every town have that could easily be renamed? I have noticed that our town dumps are rarely named after prominent individuals. This failure to name dumps after famous individuals is surely an oversight. I have never heard of the Céline Dion Landfill, the Gordon Lightfoot Waste Facility, or The Tragically Hip Dump. Why not rename them all “The Trump Dump” (or in French, Le Dump de Trump)? He could Google his name and find thousands of properties dedicated to him across Canada! Dumps are important, after all. The massive mountain of trash at the Carp Road landfill could officially become Ottawa’s own Trump Tower.
There are other possibilities. American farmers supposedly love Trump, and he has certainly changed the outlook for agriculture for generations. Perhaps agricultural equipment companies could rebrand themselves as Trump Manure Products, in honour of how he spreads verbal diarrhea across the airwaves. They could put his picture on the back of every manure spreader—free advertising roaming the countryside!
Then there are those plastic outhouses found on construction sites and at county fairs. Currently, we call them Porta-Potties, Honey Buckets, or Johnny-on-the-Spot. We propose rebranding them as “Donnie-on-the-Spot,” complete with a target silhouette inside to help users aim and keep the floor clean.
Now that the ostrich has pulled its head out of the sand, we must face the reality we live in. We, as a country, are called upon to support the Canadian companies and workers whose livelihoods are threatened by these trade wars. We can choose Canadian alternatives when we shop, and learn to do without certain American goods.
We need to stand together to protect our sovereignty, our economy, our jobs, and our values. Today is a good time to reexamine our values and think about ways to put our beliefs into action. We are all in this together. Let’s stick together—just like manure sticks to our boots.
